So yesterday we got some news that I can only explain as gut-wrenching. Cams mom has been given a month at the best before cancer wins. I still have faith in my heart that she wil once again surprise all the doctors and specialists and keep fighting this horrible disease for longer than any of us suspect, but for the first time in my life I am forced to learn to accept the fact that I might lose someone whom I love so dearly. Almost one year ago to the day, we were brought out for a memorial and on that very day Judi announced to everyone that she will begin a battle with pancreatic cancer.
Cancer truly is one of the most difficult and heart breaking things that anyone will encounter in their lives. Whether they themselves have it, or their loved ones have to stand by and watch the person they hold so dear go through batteries of tests and doctors visits, along with chemo and never ending bruses from needles daily. Not to mention seeing the one they love frustrated by the fact that day to day tasks become more difficult if not impossible. Simple things, like taking a walk results in an afternoon nap and earlier than normal bedtime.
The first thing they were going to try is something called whipple surgery preformed by one of the best able surgeons for the job. Judi was certain she was going to come out of it with flying colors. She wrote each one of us notes saying how much she loved us via a poem and that we shouldnt worry because soon she will be cancer free. There is no cure for pancreatic cancer, and the surgery was our only shot at beating this monster. Never in my life had I prayed so hard that a poem would ring true, but unfortunately they were unable to remove the tumor because of its location. That was the second big blow.
Since then, months had gone by and some days I even managed to forget she was sick as I think she did too, at moments. Now that its almost rounded a year, the doctors are still surprised shes been able to stay relatively healthy and have her pain fairly under control since this type of cancer is very aggressive and most people don't make it very long after they are diagnosed. Personally I feel so blessed every day to have had so much time with her and it makes me believe there truly is something bigger than us, giving us the time we need to soak in every second. From the taste of her cooking, to the way she smiles at some silly story we told her about Gus.
Like I said, we are now truly taking in every drop of the days we get with her, memorizing her smile, the sound of her laughter. I can't imagine not having this woman in my life, she is my second mother and I know she loves me like a daughter. I would like to believe that shes being taken away becuase she has a bigger purpose such as helping lost souls find their way into heaven, or being that little voice in your head saying hold on... just another day?- but I can't help but feel ripped-off by God. I feel like I've only just met Judi, how can you be so cruel and try to take her away/how could you?? Our love is truly endless for this amazing woman and to think of not being able to call her whenever I need her makes my heart ache so deeply. Whenever I'm not with her, I'm thinking of her. Hoping the pain isn't that bad. Hoping she is laughing at whatever show they may be watching on their Boxee Box, and not worrying about us.
I know she isn't worried about herself, which just comes naturally to her, but she worries for her husband, her children, and all those who love her. How they will cope when she is gone. Its an easy thing to tell anyone not to worry, but for her to actually focus on herself, well I have seen first hand how difficult that is for her to do. Its like the gene for being self-serving is just missing for Judi. She cannot do it. A blessing and a curse in itself because all we want is for her to take care of herself, but all she wants is to take care of us, and help us through any problem we may be facing.
However long we get to spend our earthly time together, we will continue to cherish every second, share laughter, tears and hopefully a few more home cooked meals from momma as we get to laugh about something that really doesnt matter. As long as we are together thats all that matters for now...
Please pray for this family with me, that Judi can once again shock her doctors in another year from now.
Since there is a mail strike going on, I realized I won't be able to get my fathers day card out to my dad. So to continue my new-found tradition of blogging the events that pass my every day life, I thought I would write a little bit about us.
I will be the first to admit we didn't always have the relationship we have today. At one point in my childhood I had to make the difficult decision of choosing between my old life, my mom and new baby sister, or moving to a new city where I knew nobody. Unfortunately I went about it in the worst way possible, by abruptly leaving the home I grew up in via taxi and moving into my moms place in the course of a mere few hours. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think of what I did to my dad, but I was afraid he would stop me if I didn't do it in the manner I did. I'll spare the painful details, but it resulted in us not speaking for a year. My mom finally forced me to spend a weekend at my dads place to make amends. And apologies were exchanged, but I don't think either of us felt the same about eachother after that point. The trust between us was lost, but we made nice as best we could.
I did end up moving in with my dad at the end of my twelfth year and proceeded to spend my first summer in the city partying with my friends. I came and left at all hours, and looking back on it, I didn't realize how selfish I was being. At the end of the summer, I was supposed to move down to Lethbridge to be with my high school boyfriend. Knowing in my heart that I couldn't do it (for various reasons I won't get into, because thats not what I'm blogging about!) My dad spent his whole day driving my sorry butt down there so I could break it off with my now ex (but best friend- like I said, another blog for another day) and patiently waited until I was ready to head back to Calgary to live with my dad and sister. That was the first eye opening experience that showed me my dad wasn't the bad guy I had made him out to be...
A few months had passed and I eventually got myself a job at a gift shop. I met a guy I thought was cool, and promptly moved in with him (I later found out he was a drug dealer- sorry daddy, I didn't know!!) so to make a long story short, my then 'flavor of the month' some would say, ended up in the hospital for a month in a drug induced coma, due to a severe asthma attack. Well my dad, once again, was there for me. I'm sure he didn't approve of anything I was doing at the time, but regardless, he loved me and was there for me when I most badly needed him. We started talking more often and I started opening up to him more about my life. When the dude and me didn't work out, daddy was up in a flash to move me out of the one-roomed basement we called our house and I was quickly back home again. This time more greatful to be there, for the things he had done for me general in the past few years and throughout my childhood.
Now a few years have passed, and I've done alot of growing and changing since then. He has married an incredible woman who I know makes him truly happy, and he has a whole new life up north to keep him busy. I say this with no resentment, becuase after everything he has gone through, nobody deserves true happiness more than him. I am so proud to be able to call him my father, through all our ups and downs, he has done his best to see me through them all and has always done what he thought was right as a father. His strength and wisdom has helped mold me into the woman I have become. I'm still working at my own fairy tale ending, but don't worry about what twists and turns life will throw at me next because I know I have his support and advice anytime I need it. Plus I have seen what life has thrown at him and know if he can do it, so can I, because I am my fathers daughter.
So this is my thankyou to my father, for EVERYTHING he has done for me, for thinking of me, and worrying about me and being there through some of my toughest times. Tougher times are still to come but I am SO greatful and lucky to have him here for me now and forever!
