Cancer truly is one of the most difficult and heart breaking things that anyone will encounter in their lives. Whether they themselves have it, or their loved ones have to stand by and watch the person they hold so dear go through batteries of tests and doctors visits, along with chemo and never ending bruses from needles daily. Not to mention seeing the one they love frustrated by the fact that day to day tasks become more difficult if not impossible. Simple things, like taking a walk results in an afternoon nap and earlier than normal bedtime.
The first thing they were going to try is something called whipple surgery preformed by one of the best able surgeons for the job. Judi was certain she was going to come out of it with flying colors. She wrote each one of us notes saying how much she loved us via a poem and that we shouldnt worry because soon she will be cancer free. There is no cure for pancreatic cancer, and the surgery was our only shot at beating this monster. Never in my life had I prayed so hard that a poem would ring true, but unfortunately they were unable to remove the tumor because of its location. That was the second big blow.
Since then, months had gone by and some days I even managed to forget she was sick as I think she did too, at moments. Now that its almost rounded a year, the doctors are still surprised shes been able to stay relatively healthy and have her pain fairly under control since this type of cancer is very aggressive and most people don't make it very long after they are diagnosed. Personally I feel so blessed every day to have had so much time with her and it makes me believe there truly is something bigger than us, giving us the time we need to soak in every second. From the taste of her cooking, to the way she smiles at some silly story we told her about Gus.
Like I said, we are now truly taking in every drop of the days we get with her, memorizing her smile, the sound of her laughter. I can't imagine not having this woman in my life, she is my second mother and I know she loves me like a daughter. I would like to believe that shes being taken away becuase she has a bigger purpose such as helping lost souls find their way into heaven, or being that little voice in your head saying hold on... just another day?- but I can't help but feel ripped-off by God. I feel like I've only just met Judi, how can you be so cruel and try to take her away/how could you?? Our love is truly endless for this amazing woman and to think of not being able to call her whenever I need her makes my heart ache so deeply. Whenever I'm not with her, I'm thinking of her. Hoping the pain isn't that bad. Hoping she is laughing at whatever show they may be watching on their Boxee Box, and not worrying about us.
I know she isn't worried about herself, which just comes naturally to her, but she worries for her husband, her children, and all those who love her. How they will cope when she is gone. Its an easy thing to tell anyone not to worry, but for her to actually focus on herself, well I have seen first hand how difficult that is for her to do. Its like the gene for being self-serving is just missing for Judi. She cannot do it. A blessing and a curse in itself because all we want is for her to take care of herself, but all she wants is to take care of us, and help us through any problem we may be facing.
However long we get to spend our earthly time together, we will continue to cherish every second, share laughter, tears and hopefully a few more home cooked meals from momma as we get to laugh about something that really doesnt matter. As long as we are together thats all that matters for now...
